Mom's Stolen Credit Card (Producer Credit)

This is the penultimate tier of achievement.

You give us a one time payment of an obscene amount of money, and we will list you as a producer on the end feed of our podcast for at least 1 year. A whole year. Maybe longer. I forget to edit shit like that all the time. You might get lucky.

This is not a tier of patronage for the faint of heart.

As you dive deeper into the monetary pit, charging as much as your mother's shitty middle-class American credit score can afford her, you will achieve a level of clarity and perspective on life that will imbue you with lessons and knowledge to last the rest of eternity.

You will learn about financial malfeasance and the satisfaction that will come from watching your confused parents argue with their debt-owner slave masters over "fraudulent charges" that they are completely unable to afford.

While the company may eventually recoup and return the ungodly sum of money you ignorantly sent us (unlikely, we're already on our way to a non-extradition nation as you read this, sucker) your family will have entered into a cycle of compounding interest and untenable financial burdens that will drive a dividing wedge into their relationship.

Your father will start drinking heavily, and your mother will begin cuckolding him with urban youths who "make her feel alive again", as she slowly develops a methamphetamine addiction that leads her to turning tricks for D'SHAWN**TAYR-EYUS©.

Eventually your mother dies of an amphetamine overdose, and your father becomes an abusive alcoholic who slowly rots away from liver failure.

At which point you are left destitute and alone in a world that has long since disregarded you.

TRANSCEND®